Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Oh Baby!- Written April 23, 2009

I can’t believe it’s been a year. The first couple of months were great.  It was our little secret that no one else knew.  Not family, not friends, not anyone other than God and us.  We were naive, but having fun.  We would joke and laugh with one another saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” or “Practice makes perfect.”  All we knew was that we loved God, we loved each other, and we wanted to have a baby!

At first, I couldn’t get my mind off of being a mommy.  I would think of names, or ways we would announce our pregnancy to our family and friends.  I read articles, magazines and books about parenting.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for a healthy baby who would come to a saving knowledge of the Lord at an early age.  It brought me such joy to think about having a little one in our home.  I got even more excited when I skipped my cycle.  I took a pregnancy test but it was negative.  Slightly disappointed, and thinking it must be wrong, I took another one.  Still nothing.  I shrugged it off and we kept up our fun routine.  At this point I avoided conversation with people who were talking about children.  I didn’t want someone to ask if Josh and I were trying, because I liked our little secret and I couldn’t wait to see people’s expressions when we finally told them after four years of marriage we were expecting a baby!  Several times people did ask if we were trying, and being so wrapped up in wanting to keep our secret, I lied.

By the end of August (3 months later), we figured something might be wrong.  I had not had a cycle since May and I had seen more negative pregnancy tests than I care to even share.  Josh and I went to the doctor and she was very optimistic.  “We just need to give you a good jump start,” she said.  So, with that I began the regiment of taking pills, checking my basal body temperature to predict ovulation, and monthly blood work.  For three months we continued this routine.  The doctor was able to determine from the blood work that my progesterone levels were too low.  I discovered that you need to have a progesterone level of 10 -11 to get pregnant.  Mine varied from a 0.5 to a 1.1.

At this point, things became a lot less fun.  God was revealing to me that it wasn’t about my plan or even my abilities; it was about Him being the creator of life! Ironically, He was blessing many of my friends with this gift of life that I so very much desired.  From May of 2008 until the end of April 2009, 46 of my friends announced that they were pregnant!  I desired to be joyful and happy for my friends, but it was very difficult.  Some of them had just gotten married, some were not yet married, some already had kids, one even considered abortion.  Oh, how I had to fight to be happy for them and not jealous of their blessing.

Before I had even realized it I had jumped on this carousel of emotion that was spinning out of control.  Up and down, around and around.  Not one day was the same. I wrestled with pride and feared it would never let me escape.  I would say to myself, “Well, I’ve been married longer than they have” or “They don’t even have a relationship with God,” or “I don’t understand, I take very good care of my body.”  Other days I would struggle with beating myself up.  I would listen to the creative lies of Satan.  The same lies that Job’s friends tried to convince him of.  Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar told Job to repent because it was his fault that all the horrific things were happening in his life.  In the same way, I cried and pleaded with God to forgive me of whatever I had done to bring this “punishment” on Josh and I.  On several occasions I even told Josh that I was sorry he was stuck with me.  I make myself sick with guilt because I thought I had robbed Josh of ever having biological children.  With more patience than any one person could ever have, he just hugged me and loved me more and more.

I continued going to the doctor and in November she put me on clomid. Clomid is the most common fertility treatment to induce regular ovulation and its purpose is to decrease estrogen and increase FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). However, this medication is associated with uterine cancer if it’s used for long periods of time.  We came up with a three-month plan with increasing dosages (although we hoped the first round would be sufficient).

In the meantime, we had begun to tell those in our church, our other close friends, and of course, our family.  Conversations at Thanksgiving and Christmas included telling people there was a chance that we could not have kids. Although, I know people had good intentions, it became very frustrating to hear story after story of how a family had become pregnant after adopting, or going through a few months of fertility treatments.  I understood people were trying to encourage me; however, all I could think was “That’s great for them, but God never says in the Bible that He promises ME a child.”  I became bitter at my friends who were pregnant and complained about morning sickness.  It drove me crazy!  I wanted to shake a few individuals and scream at the top of my lungs, “Do you know how blessed you are?  Shut up!  Stop grumbling.  I would gladly be nauseous and throw up if that meant that God was knitting together a baby within my womb!”  I had a hard time focusing on the many blessings within my own life.

At the end of January, I received a phone call from my doctor.  “Well,” she said, “The last treatment of Clomid didn’t work.  There’s nothing else I can do for you except refer you to a specialist.”  My heart sank.  “What other options can a specialist offer me?”  I asked.  “The only other thing I know of is in vitro fertilization,” she said.  My heart sank further.  I began to cry.  Josh and I had already discussed that we do not agree with in vitro because of the details of the process and the experimentation process prior to its approval.  I cried more.  All I could think was, “Wow, I really can’t have kids.”

Josh and I have always said that we want to adopt; however, I didn’t realize it was going to be our only option.  Later that evening I called a dear friend who has been struggling with infertility for several years and who is currently in the adoption process.  She was so compassionate and loving in her words to me.  She explained to me how she felt the day her doctor had given her the same news.  She described it as if I had lost a loved one and she said that I needed to go through the grieving process.  She said this was necessary because what I lost (although it was not tangible) was very real and was a very painful thing to lose.  I had lost the idea of being able to feel a baby kick within my stomach.  I had lost the idea of hours of labor being rewarded by gazing into the beautiful eyes of a newborn.  I had lost the idea of bearing a child that looks like Josh and I. My friend reminded me that I wouldn’t always feel like how I did that day, and that eventually I would come to accept this as part of my life.  I couldn’t imagine when that day would come.

One huge fear that I began to struggle with was how I was going to be able to continue ministering to younger married women.  I had been in a few relationships where I had been intentional about mentoring women who had been recently married.  When these women became pregnant, they gradually (and I’m sure without even thinking about it) stopped hanging out with me as much.  To be honest, I couldn’t blame them.  If a woman is struggling with morning sickness, or trying to work through how she wants to best discipline her children, would she rather go to someone who has read books about the subject or would she rather go to someone with experience?  The obvious answer is someone who has experience.  Of course it would be silly for them to come to me to talk about the pains of childbirth, knowing that I had never experienced it.  I was realizing that in many ways (but not all) I was now incapable of mentoring them.  This broke my heart even more.

February approached and I realized it was the 9 month mark of when we had began trying to get pregnant.  I had to fight off sinful thoughts like “We could be having a baby right now, if my body would work right.”  I began confessing these thoughts to several sweet sisters much more frequently. And then, I began to truly see a difference in my attitude. Instead of listening to the lies that Satan had been using to beat me down I began preaching Truth to myself.  I know I have recited Philippians 4:4-7 to myself over 1,000 times in the past 6 months.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

This change in my attitude was a HUGE blessing from God.  This demonstration of God’s grace in my life was an extraordinary encouragement.  And, like most of God’s blessings, it came at just the right time.  Many of my friends who had announced they were pregnant right after Josh and I had started trying, were now having their babies.  For the first time in a really long time, I was able to be truly joyful and happy for others.  I was able to look at their blessing and not be jealous.  The month of March brought with it 7 baby showers (several of which I had been asked to help plan).  ONLY by God’s grace alone, was I able to make it through all of these.

At the end of March I began seeing the fertility specialist.  Unlike my other doctor he was much more optimistic.  So far, we have tried a few other prescriptions, none of which are working and soon Josh and I will meet with him to discuss further options.

I realize I may never really know why God has brought Josh and I down this path, but I can already see that He definitely does have His hand in all of this.  So, to wrap up, here are two essential truths that I have been reminded of:

  1. Who God is. God is sovereign and I am not.  He is the one who created the heavens and the Earth. He is the giver of life. He is in complete control all of the time. He does not rest.  He does not grow weary.  He knows the outcome of all circumstances.  He loves me and knows what is BEST for me.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:27-29

  1. Who I am. I am sinner who had offended a Holy God and was eternally separated from Him; however, because of Jesus death on the cross as atonement for my sins I now stand righteous in the sight of God.   There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more and there is nothing I can do to make Him love me less.  But out of the overflow of my heart I will choose to serve and worship Him alone.  This gift of eternal life through Christ Jesus is the biggest blessing anyone could ever receive and I have NOTHING to complain about and I have EVERYTHING to be thankful for!

My soul will rejoice in the LORD and delight in his salvation.”  Psalm 35:9

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