I Stand Amazed

Before reading this post, please know that it is one of many in a series that demonstrates how wonderful and amazing our God is.  If you haven’t had a chance to read any previous posts start with “Oh Baby” and this one will make so much more sense.  I also am aware this is a really long post, but I promise it’s worth reading!

So this past Sunday Josh and I were suppose to go into the doctor to find out if we were pregnant, but last Tuesday I started my cycle.  We were both really sad, but the Lord had given us peace like he had in the past and I tried not to think about it too much.  Anyone who knows me understands how much I love my job and most of my closest family and friends know that the month of August is an extremely crazy time for me every year.  It usually consists of 70-hour workweeks, no days off on the weekends, and lots of prayer for strength to get me through.  This year was no exception.  Needless to say, in the past three weeks I had not been caring for my body like I should.  I did not get the sleep I needed, I did not exercise, and I had been substituting water for excessive amounts of sweet tea.  In addition when I started my cycle, I stopped taking the prenatal vitamins that I had been faithfully taking for about 16 months now.

I scheduled my baseline ultrasound for that Friday so Josh and I could go ahead and start the injections and everything again quickly.  At the doctor's (before the exam even began) I had the opportunity to share a little about Christ and the reason Josh and I were hopeful during this discouraging time.  However, when the doctor performed my baseline ultrasound he gave me  some bad news; we could not begin the shots again yet.  I had developed a severe ovarian cyst (which explained why I was in pain that whole week) and we would not even be able to begin trying again until the end of September.  He said that the injections would make my cyst worse so we needed to let my body heal for about a month and a half.  With that news, he wrote me a prescription for birth control to regulate my hormones.  For some reason, I felt very strongly about not taking the pills and after explaining to him that I didn’t want them, I left and called Josh to tell him.

Later that day New Student Orientation began.  Because I worked 12 hours that Friday and another 13 hours on Saturday, I did not have much time to process what we had been told.  However, on Sunday it hit me on the way home from church.  I was pretty down so I thought it would be good to get out and go play Ultimate Frisbee. I have not been playing much lately because when I’m not sure if I’m pregnant or not, I don’t want to take a chance (so there is only about a week and a half each month that I’ve been able to play).  I tried to run a lot but my lower stomach started hurting extremely bad.  After awhile I left thinking I had pushed myself too far and had ruptured the cyst.

The next few days were still ridiculously busy and this is when I realized how bad I was doing at taking care of myself.  Last night when I got home, I mentioned to Josh that I have been convicted about the way I had been eating and my lack of sleep.  I had created a plan to get back into a good routine and then I mentioned to him that I was 99.9% sure I was not pregnant, but just in case I wanted to test.  We went to the store and bought one of the cheap tests (the same kind we have used over 30 times in the past 16 months).  We came back and took the test.  Any other time we would have been leaning over the thing waiting to see the results, but at this point we were convinced that I couldn’t be pregnant. 

After folding a few items of clothes in the bedroom I walked into the bathroom where we had left the test and to my complete surprise I saw a small faint line!  I immediately called Josh in the bathroom and we both agreed that it was because the test was not complete.  For the next 15 minutes we checked it over and over again and it became very clear that it was showing positive results!!!  I was so baffled and even asked Josh to read the directions to see if I had done it correctly.  We wanted to be so excited, but were both convinced this was a false-positive.  We thought that the cyst had something to do with the results or maybe even that some of the hormones from my injections were still in my body.  We researched the internet for about 15 minutes to see if there would be any indication of false-positives resulting from ovarian cysts, but we could not find a clear answer.  Finally I broke down and called the emergency number for my fertility specialist.  When I caught her up to speed she congratulated me!  She said that, if the pregnancy test showed a positive result I was most likely pregnant, but to come in the next morning for an official test. 

We called a few individuals from our church who we knew would not jump the gun and get excited for us; but who we knew would pray for us, and our hearts.  We wanted so much to be excited but were desperately seeking prayer that we would glorify the Lord regardless of the results.

So, this morning Josh and I woke up bright and early and were at the doctor's office when the doors opened.  They drew blood and told us they would call us this afternoon.  Around 8:00 am I received a call from a very dear friend who had been praying for Josh and I.  She had been reading from the Psalms each morning and it just so happens that this morning she was on Psalm 113, which reads:

Praise the LORD.  Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD. Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised.  The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.  Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?  He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.

I knew this was going to be a long, emotion-filled day regardless of the results.  I had a meeting at work at 9:00 and Josh had to be at work for the 1^st day of Kindergarten by 11:00 am.  At 10:20, as my meeting was finishing up, the doctor called and began with, “Amanda, as you probably already know… YOU'RE PREGNANT!”   Ahhhhhhhh!   I was so excited!!!  I immediately left work (the only things I grabbed were my keys and the phone I was still talking on).  I called Josh as soon as I hung up with the doctors office and asked if he had already left for work.  He had, so I asked him to come back and meet me at home.  A few minutes later as he walked through the front door, I jumped in his arms and the flood of happy tears began.  We are going to be parents!!!  The Lord has blessed us with a child!!!

Josh and I collapsed on the living room floor and began praying to God who has ordained every step of this journey!  We thanked Him for this new life he has blessed us with and we prayed for the salvation of our little one.  Even as I write this, I am still joyfully crying because I can’t believe it’s finally the Lord’s timing for us!

As if we hadn’t been blessed enough, late this evening Josh went to check the mail because we had not had a chance to do it at any other point during the day.  Mixed into the stack of bills was an envelope from a dear couple we went to college with.  In the envelope was a letter (written two days ago) filled with scripture encouraging us in our journey.  The last line of the letter stated that they were praying that the fulfillment of our desires would be just around the corner.  Attached to the letter was a check that will cover many of the medical bills that have accrued over the past couple of months.  Can you believe it?  Wow, God, again you are so amazing!

So to all of you who have walked this road with us so far, please remember that our Lord is faithful! I am so thankful for our family and friends who have encouraged us in so many ways.  I pray that the Lord will continue teaching me a lot through motherhood and I am sure many different kinds of trials lie ahead that I will not understand when I am going through them, but I know that if the Lord can bring us through this and show us His faithfulness we can trust Him for any trials that may ever arise.

What infertility IS and IS NOT

In my last post I mentioned that to honor the Lord we must seek out wisdom and not remain ignorant in what’s going on in the world.  I have recently felt the responsibility to share some of the things I’ve been learning about infertility through research and my own personal experiences.

Many women (with good intentions) try to sympathize with the struggle of an infertile woman by suggesting that they are also suffering from infertility.  Although they are trying to relate and show love to her, this actually makes the infertile woman feel like her problem is insignificant.  Also, if the woman claiming to be struggling with infertility suddenly becomes pregnant without having ever been diagnosed or going through medical treatments, jealously and bitterness can become a temptation for the woman who is truly struggling with infertility. For this reason, I would like to share a few basic things about pregnancy and infertility.

• Pregnancy is the result of a process that has many steps including ovulation, fertilization, and implantation. If a consistent problem exists among any of these steps the result could be infertility.
• Infertility is the inability of a couple to become pregnant after at least one year (or 6 months if the woman is 35 years of age or older) of having unprotected intentionally- timed sexual intercourse.
• Infertility also includes women who can get pregnant but are unable to stay pregnant.
• Infertility is NOT the fear that you might not get pregnant when you one day start trying.
• Infertility is NOT the frustrated feeling after a few months of trying to get pregnant.
• Infertility is NOT assuming you can not have children because you have other medical conditions that may decrease your chances of getting pregnant (i.e. Endometriosis or Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) – Many doctors tell women when they are very young that they may have difficulty having children one day when they begin trying, this does NOT mean they are infertile!  For example, many young ladies find out they have endometriosis shortly after starting their period.  What they are not told is that 35% of ALL women experience endometriosis at some point in their life and of those, only 10% struggle with infertility. What the doctors are actually concerned about is that the woman’s body will make too many prostaglandins that in turn imbalance the woman’s hormones decreasing her chances of getting pregnant.
• Infertility can be caused by a problem within men and women.
• Infertility is determined by a doctor.
• Infertility should NOT be self-diagnosed.
• Infertility usually results in various treatments (oral medications, injections, surgeries, etc.)
• Infertility does NOT mean that the individual will always be incapable of reproducing.

So, with this knowledge, if you have never struggled with true infertility I plead with you, for the sake of helping the hearts of the many women who are, please just encourage your friend with scripture.  Do not try to relate to her situation, but instead point her to the only one who does fully understand and is in complete control over her problem, God!

Round 2

With only two days left before going back to the doctor to find out if we were pregnant I woke up with very bad stomach pains and realized I had started my cycle.  Although I was very sad, my heart still continued to rest in the promise that God is sovereign and has a perfect plan.  Josh and I were able to spend much of the morning in the Word and delight in the many blessing that we have despite not being pregnant.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and they were able to verify that I had no ovarian cysts and I could begin the injections again that night.  (Ovarian Cysts are a common result from women undergoing fertility treatments because they are products of failed or disordered ovulation. An ovarian cyst is formed when the follicle does not release its egg and the follicle continues to grow or if the follicle releases the egg but the hole where the egg was does not close up like it should.) So, that night we were able to begin injections of Brevelle. During the first series of shots we had used Gonal-f which seemed to work just fine, but we had won the Brevelle injections in the raffle so we thought now was the best time to use that medication.  We had to be re-trained on how to prep and administer this new kind of injection because it was very different from the Gonal-f.  It took a lot longer to prepare each night and it was much more of a painful. Over the next few days I tried to fight back the emotional mood swings this new medicine caused.  I was not sad, or depressed about anything, but I would cry off and on all day, for no reason at all.  Friday night was the worst.  Because the shots had been hurting so bad and leaving such horrible bruises on my stomach I actually fainted as Josh was trying to give me the shot.  As I pulled myself off the kitchen floor I knew it was not worth it, we needed to switch back to the Gonal-f even if we had to pay more for it.  I had a doctor’s appointment that Saturday and they gave the go ahead to switch back so I placed an online order so would arrive first thing the next business day.

On Monday, when I went back to the doctor, they checked my estrogen levels and they were at a 35 pmol/lt.  Estrogen levels in women rise as follicles are maturing and mine was still rather low.  However, by Thursday’s appointment it had rose to a level of 600 pmol/lt.  A normal estrogen level at the time of ovulation is around 500 pmol/lt.  When the doctors recognized this, they told me to continue taking my Gonal-f shots because I had one or two follicles that were maturing but were not yet 18 mm (the measurement they need to be at for ovulation).  The doctors also asked me to take a second shot each night called Ganirelix Acetate, which prevents the egg from releasing prematurely.  Fortunately, the actual Ganirelix shot did not hurt, but for about an hour afterwards it felt like I had a Charlie Horse in my stomach (not very pleasant to say the least).

Saturday morning, I went back to the doctor in hopes they would tell me that I was ready to take my last shot (of Ovidrell).  Ovidrell is the shot I take to induce ovulation.  However, after an unusually long ultrasound with the nurse, the doctor approached me and said, “We’re going to have to end your cycle for this month.”  Bummer!  My heart sank.  What they had seen on the ultrasound was not that the medicine didn’t work….but that it worked too well!  In two days I had developed 7-8 follicles that could potentially be released when I ovulated. Had the doctors not seen this, I could have been the next Octo-mom.  Yikes!!!   He actually explained to me that this was exactly how Jon and Kate Gosselin ended up with sextuplets. He said that he had never seen anyone with this many mature follicles have less than four children.  He said that because of the health risk to me and the potential babies, if Josh and I did decide to continue trying to get pregnant during this cycle, their office would refuse to see me as a patient.  They also took my estrogen levels again and it had skyrocketed to 1700!  So, after an important lesson in abstinence, I made an appointment for the middle of July so we could talk about how to balance out the medications I am on.  Although I was really sad that we were again postponed one more month, I am thankful to know that the injections I am taking are actually working.  Now we are praying that the Lord will provide us (and of course the doctor’s) with the wisdom to know what is the proper dosage of medicine I need to get my body working just right.

Patient Endurance

I have been reading a book entitled Passion and Purity written by Elizabeth Elliot, missionary to the Quichua Indians in the 1950s and wife to Jim Elliot, who was killed by the spears of the Auca Indians.  Although her book is written mainly for singles that desire to be married, the underlying theme is contentment in all circumstances in which God has placed you.  I wanted to share several passages from the book that have really encouraged me over the past two weeks.

First, I am discovering how to be happy and joyful in circumstance that I would not choose for myself. 

“The problem starts when we make up our own minds what will give us happiness and then decide, if we don’t get exactly that, that God doesn’t love us.”

“I wished that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there.”

“I wait. Dear Lord, Thy ways are past finding out, Thy love too high. O hold me still beneath Thy shadow. It is enough that Thou lift up the light of Thy countenance. I wait because I am commanded so to do. My mind is filled with my wonderings. My soul asks ”Why?” But then the quiet word, “Wait thou only upon God.” And so, not even for the light to show a step ahead, But for thee, dear Lord, I wait.”

I also learned that I must not wish away the time I have with my husband right now.  There are so many things that he and I can do with one another and for others right now that we will not be able to do once the Lord does bless us with biological or adopted children.  Elizabeth explains this same underlying principle in her book.

“The important thing is to receive this moment’s experience with both hands.  Don’t waste it.  “Wherever you are, be all there,” Jim once wrote.  “Live to the hilt of every situation you believe to be the will of God.” A lovely moonlit night, but I am alone.  Shall I resent the very moonlight itself because my lover is somewhere else? A cozy candlelit supper with friends- couples except for me.  Shall I be miserable all evening because they are together and I am single?  Have I been “cheated”?  Who cheated me? The phone rings.  Oh!  Maybe it will be he! It is somebody selling light bulbs.  Shall I be rude because he ought to have been somebody else? A letter in the mailbox that (for once) doesn’t look like junk mail or a bill.  I snatch it eagerly.  It’s from Aunt Susie.  Do I throw it aside in disgust?

I know all about this kind of response.  I’ve been there many times. Something I wrote to Jim once must have revealed my resentment, for he wrote, “Let not our longings slay the appetite for our living.”  That was exactly what I had let it do.

There were times, I’m sure, when if anyone had tried to talk to me of the happiness of heaven I would have turned away in a huff.  The painful thing was that the other folks had not only heaven to look forward to, but they had “all this and heave too,”  “this” being engagement or marriage.  I was covetous.  When the Apostle Paul wrote to the Roman Christians about the happy certainty of heaven, he went on to say, “This doesn’t mean, of course, that we have only a hope of future joys- we can be full of joy here and now even in our trials and troubles.”

Even when I’m feeling most alone- on that moonlit night, in the middle of a candlelit supper, when the phone call and the letter don’t come- can I be “full of joy, here and now”?  Yes.  That is what the Bible says.  That means it must not be true, but possible, and possible for me.”

And finally, how I respond to my current situation will either glorify God or destroy my witness.  I pray that God is magnified in how I respond to any situation.

“The effect of my trouble depends not on the nature of the troubles themselves but on how I receive them.”

“What matters is making the right use of it [suffering], taking advantage of the sense of helplessness it brings to turn one’s thoughts to God.  Trust is the lesson.”

“The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by his letting us have our own way in the end, but by making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are honestly able to pray what he taught his disciples to pray:  Thy will be done.  Acceptance of whatever that means is the great victory of faith that overcomes the world.”

“If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer to the Lord?  Aren’t they given to us to offer?  It is control of passion, not its eradication, that is needed.  How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit?”

I hope in some way these passages from Elizabeth Elliot’s book has been an encouragement to you too in whatever circumstance the Lord has you in.

The Thorn In My Side

Reflecting on 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 this week has shed some light on this continued process of fertility treatments.  In this letter to the Corinthians, Paul was presenting his credentials because he was trying to reestablish his credibility and his authority that false teachers had tried to destroy.  In this letter Paul says:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Paul never defines exactly what the thorn in his flesh actually is.  Commentaries suggest it could be anything from malaria, epilepsy, Jewish persecution, or even a speech impediment.  The fact is that it was something that affected his ministry, it was given to him by God (through Satan), and it forced him to rely on Christ.  Well, as I have shared in previous blogs, this struggle with infertility has affected my ministry with other women, I believe it is under the control of our sovereign God, and it most certainly has made me more dependent on Christ.

So, as part of “my thorn” of infertility I have begun daily injections.  And, for the sake of a good laugh I thought I would share so please feel free make fun of me all you want after reading this.  When I went to the doctor on May 18^th they said that I should begin the injections that night. So to begin, let me explain that I have an irrational fear of needles.  No really, please understand me, I really do have an IRRATIONAL FEAR of needles! Up until last fall I still cried when I got shots.  After all the blood work I had to go through I got over that pretty quick.  Nurses can prick me with just about anything at this point, that's not a problem. But the fact that I have to prepare the medicine, fill the syringe, and actually give it to myself really was freaking me out! 

That first night, it took me 45 minutes to actually get it done.  I would get ready to give myself the shot and I would count aloud, "One … Two…" and then yell, "Ahhh, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it."  This didn't just happen once, but over and over again. Next, I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t going to be any worse than a pinch.  So I started pinching myself on the arm to psyche myself up.  It still didn’t work.  Later, I realized that my mind was playing tricks on me.  I would look down at the needle that was only and inch and a half long in reality and in my eyes would see it as 8 inches long.  I really believed that it was going to go straight through me or at least puncture some vital organ. Finally after some tears, praying, singing a few hymns, and reciting scripture, Josh was able to give me the shot.  My husband showed me so much grace and love although I was acting like a baby.  Since then, my heart has been much better (even thought the shots are still pretty painful).  Josh is graciously still giving me the injections every night so thank the Lord for my amazing husband.  And although I have lots of little bruises all over my tummy, my doctor visits are going really well.  They can tell the injections are gradually regulating out my hormones!  Yeah!  So, like Paul, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, hardships, and difficulties, because God gives me the strength to endure so He can get all the glory!

Oh Baby (Part 2)

At the end of April Josh and I went to speak with the fertility specialist about remaining options for getting pregnant.  The doctor told us that they had discovered that my body was not producing FsH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone).  This is the hormone released by the pituitary gland that stimulates the growth of immature ovarian follicles in the ovary.  For a woman to get pregnant the follicle must mature and reach about 18 mm in diameter.  The option we were presented with was to begin daily injections of FsH.  This would require multiple visits to the doctor each week and very expensive meds.  In addition, I would have to attend a class that would train me on how to give myself the injections.  So, our only option at this point was beginning a process that Josh and I knew we could not afford.  When we left the doctor I was sad, but I think it was a good, hope-filled and trusting in the Lord kind of sad. One of those where I wish circumstances could be different, but knowing that God's plan is much better than my own. 

On the car ride home Josh and I prayed for three things:  wisdom, peace, and finances. We prayed that God would make it very clear if we were suppose to continue trying to get pregnant or to put our resources towards adoption.  We also prayed that God would grant peace to our hearts and that we would not be anxious during this process.  And we prayed that if God did want us to continue that he would provide the money we needed for all the appointments and medicines.

That afternoon I was able to research FsH and the variety of injections that the doctors could possibly put me on. I was also able to have an in depth conversation with a female friend who is an experienced nurse.  As I was researching the medicines I was able to look up approximate prices and estimate how much we would have to spend for one month of appointments and medicines…it totaled a over $1500.

Not even an hour later, Josh called me and asked if I was sitting down.  He had just received an e-mail from our church saying that someone had anonymously given our family $1,000!  At this point we had not told anyone of the appointment we had earlier that day or of our financial need.  We were completely blown away by this act of love.  Then, when I went home and checked the mailbox I discovered that my mom had sent us a $500 check that she had received from a tax refund.  My grandmother Susu had also sent some money in the mail just because she was thinking of us.  I could not believe it.  In less than 12 hours God answered all of our prayer requests.  He had allowed me the opportunity to research the medicines and determine that the use of them would not contradict our moral or biblical ethics, and he had provided family and friends with the resources to give generously to us.

The following Monday I got a call from my doctor to register for the injection class that would take place that Thursday.  Josh was able to come with me, which helped out a lot.  As we were waiting for the class to begin, Josh entered my name into two different raffle drawings.  One was for a month worth of free injections and the other was for acupuncture treatments.  We were joking with the nurses about how I am terrified of needles.  They were all laughing at me because I was adamantly trying to get Josh not to place my name in the acupuncture raffle box.  Immediately after the class we had to order all our meds online so they would arrive the next week.  First thing Monday morning I got a call from my doctor’s office.  “Congratulations, ” the nurse said.  “What?”  I had won the raffle for the free medications!  I couldn’t believe it.  I have NEVER won a raffle in my entire life!  I immediately tried to call the online pharmacy to see if they could change the order I placed the previous Thursday. However, at that exact moment, Fed Ex knocked on the door to deliver the meds.  Ha!  Later that afternoon, I got a call from Triangle Acupuncture Specialist informing I had won their raffle!  I just didn’t know what to think…I had won two drawings in the same day for a total of about $1000 worth of medical supplies and treatments.

I was quickly reminded of God’s faithfulness to provide for our every need.  Like He provided Adam and Eve clothing (Gen 3:21), a sacrifice for Abraham (Gen 22:8), food during the famine (Gen 45:11), manna for the Israelites wandering in the desert (Exo 16:35), and most importantly, He provided an atonement for our sins (Rom 3:21-26).  So, today I leave you with scripture that I feel like the Lord has proved evident in my life recently by providing us with peace and financial blessings.

Matthew 6:25-34

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 

Oh Baby!- Written April 23, 2009

I can’t believe it’s been a year. The first couple of months were great.  It was our little secret that no one else knew.  Not family, not friends, not anyone other than God and us.  We were naive, but having fun.  We would joke and laugh with one another saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” or “Practice makes perfect.”  All we knew was that we loved God, we loved each other, and we wanted to have a baby!

At first, I couldn’t get my mind off of being a mommy.  I would think of names, or ways we would announce our pregnancy to our family and friends.  I read articles, magazines and books about parenting.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for a healthy baby who would come to a saving knowledge of the Lord at an early age.  It brought me such joy to think about having a little one in our home.  I got even more excited when I skipped my cycle.  I took a pregnancy test but it was negative.  Slightly disappointed, and thinking it must be wrong, I took another one.  Still nothing.  I shrugged it off and we kept up our fun routine.  At this point I avoided conversation with people who were talking about children.  I didn’t want someone to ask if Josh and I were trying, because I liked our little secret and I couldn’t wait to see people’s expressions when we finally told them after four years of marriage we were expecting a baby!  Several times people did ask if we were trying, and being so wrapped up in wanting to keep our secret, I lied.

By the end of August (3 months later), we figured something might be wrong.  I had not had a cycle since May and I had seen more negative pregnancy tests than I care to even share.  Josh and I went to the doctor and she was very optimistic.  “We just need to give you a good jump start,” she said.  So, with that I began the regiment of taking pills, checking my basal body temperature to predict ovulation, and monthly blood work.  For three months we continued this routine.  The doctor was able to determine from the blood work that my progesterone levels were too low.  I discovered that you need to have a progesterone level of 10 -11 to get pregnant.  Mine varied from a 0.5 to a 1.1.

At this point, things became a lot less fun.  God was revealing to me that it wasn’t about my plan or even my abilities; it was about Him being the creator of life! Ironically, He was blessing many of my friends with this gift of life that I so very much desired.  From May of 2008 until the end of April 2009, 46 of my friends announced that they were pregnant!  I desired to be joyful and happy for my friends, but it was very difficult.  Some of them had just gotten married, some were not yet married, some already had kids, one even considered abortion.  Oh, how I had to fight to be happy for them and not jealous of their blessing.

Before I had even realized it I had jumped on this carousel of emotion that was spinning out of control.  Up and down, around and around.  Not one day was the same. I wrestled with pride and feared it would never let me escape.  I would say to myself, “Well, I’ve been married longer than they have” or “They don’t even have a relationship with God,” or “I don’t understand, I take very good care of my body.”  Other days I would struggle with beating myself up.  I would listen to the creative lies of Satan.  The same lies that Job’s friends tried to convince him of.  Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar told Job to repent because it was his fault that all the horrific things were happening in his life.  In the same way, I cried and pleaded with God to forgive me of whatever I had done to bring this “punishment” on Josh and I.  On several occasions I even told Josh that I was sorry he was stuck with me.  I make myself sick with guilt because I thought I had robbed Josh of ever having biological children.  With more patience than any one person could ever have, he just hugged me and loved me more and more.

I continued going to the doctor and in November she put me on clomid. Clomid is the most common fertility treatment to induce regular ovulation and its purpose is to decrease estrogen and increase FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). However, this medication is associated with uterine cancer if it’s used for long periods of time.  We came up with a three-month plan with increasing dosages (although we hoped the first round would be sufficient).

In the meantime, we had begun to tell those in our church, our other close friends, and of course, our family.  Conversations at Thanksgiving and Christmas included telling people there was a chance that we could not have kids. Although, I know people had good intentions, it became very frustrating to hear story after story of how a family had become pregnant after adopting, or going through a few months of fertility treatments.  I understood people were trying to encourage me; however, all I could think was “That’s great for them, but God never says in the Bible that He promises ME a child.”  I became bitter at my friends who were pregnant and complained about morning sickness.  It drove me crazy!  I wanted to shake a few individuals and scream at the top of my lungs, “Do you know how blessed you are?  Shut up!  Stop grumbling.  I would gladly be nauseous and throw up if that meant that God was knitting together a baby within my womb!”  I had a hard time focusing on the many blessings within my own life.

At the end of January, I received a phone call from my doctor.  “Well,” she said, “The last treatment of Clomid didn’t work.  There’s nothing else I can do for you except refer you to a specialist.”  My heart sank.  “What other options can a specialist offer me?”  I asked.  “The only other thing I know of is in vitro fertilization,” she said.  My heart sank further.  I began to cry.  Josh and I had already discussed that we do not agree with in vitro because of the details of the process and the experimentation process prior to its approval.  I cried more.  All I could think was, “Wow, I really can’t have kids.”

Josh and I have always said that we want to adopt; however, I didn’t realize it was going to be our only option.  Later that evening I called a dear friend who has been struggling with infertility for several years and who is currently in the adoption process.  She was so compassionate and loving in her words to me.  She explained to me how she felt the day her doctor had given her the same news.  She described it as if I had lost a loved one and she said that I needed to go through the grieving process.  She said this was necessary because what I lost (although it was not tangible) was very real and was a very painful thing to lose.  I had lost the idea of being able to feel a baby kick within my stomach.  I had lost the idea of hours of labor being rewarded by gazing into the beautiful eyes of a newborn.  I had lost the idea of bearing a child that looks like Josh and I. My friend reminded me that I wouldn’t always feel like how I did that day, and that eventually I would come to accept this as part of my life.  I couldn’t imagine when that day would come.

One huge fear that I began to struggle with was how I was going to be able to continue ministering to younger married women.  I had been in a few relationships where I had been intentional about mentoring women who had been recently married.  When these women became pregnant, they gradually (and I’m sure without even thinking about it) stopped hanging out with me as much.  To be honest, I couldn’t blame them.  If a woman is struggling with morning sickness, or trying to work through how she wants to best discipline her children, would she rather go to someone who has read books about the subject or would she rather go to someone with experience?  The obvious answer is someone who has experience.  Of course it would be silly for them to come to me to talk about the pains of childbirth, knowing that I had never experienced it.  I was realizing that in many ways (but not all) I was now incapable of mentoring them.  This broke my heart even more.

February approached and I realized it was the 9 month mark of when we had began trying to get pregnant.  I had to fight off sinful thoughts like “We could be having a baby right now, if my body would work right.”  I began confessing these thoughts to several sweet sisters much more frequently. And then, I began to truly see a difference in my attitude. Instead of listening to the lies that Satan had been using to beat me down I began preaching Truth to myself.  I know I have recited Philippians 4:4-7 to myself over 1,000 times in the past 6 months.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

This change in my attitude was a HUGE blessing from God.  This demonstration of God’s grace in my life was an extraordinary encouragement.  And, like most of God’s blessings, it came at just the right time.  Many of my friends who had announced they were pregnant right after Josh and I had started trying, were now having their babies.  For the first time in a really long time, I was able to be truly joyful and happy for others.  I was able to look at their blessing and not be jealous.  The month of March brought with it 7 baby showers (several of which I had been asked to help plan).  ONLY by God’s grace alone, was I able to make it through all of these.

At the end of March I began seeing the fertility specialist.  Unlike my other doctor he was much more optimistic.  So far, we have tried a few other prescriptions, none of which are working and soon Josh and I will meet with him to discuss further options.

I realize I may never really know why God has brought Josh and I down this path, but I can already see that He definitely does have His hand in all of this.  So, to wrap up, here are two essential truths that I have been reminded of:

1. Who God is. God is sovereign and I am not.  He is the one who created the heavens and the Earth. He is the giver of life. He is in complete control all of the time. He does not rest.  He does not grow weary.  He knows the outcome of all circumstances.  He loves me and knows what is BEST for me.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:27-29

2. Who I am. I am sinner who had offended a Holy God and was eternally separated from Him; however, because of Jesus death on the cross as atonement for my sins I now stand righteous in the sight of God.   There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more and there is nothing I can do to make Him love me less.  But out of the overflow of my heart I will choose to serve and worship Him alone.  This gift of eternal life through Christ Jesus is the biggest blessing anyone could ever receive and I have NOTHING to complain about and I have EVERYTHING to be thankful for!

“My soul will rejoice in the LORD and delight in his salvation.”  Psalm 35:9