How to Encourage a Friend Experiencing Infertility

After explaining what constitutes infertility I thought it would be neat to discuss what techniques of encouragement are most helpful and what techniques are more difficult to handle for someone struggling with infertility.  Let me begin by saying that my intent in writing the following is not to vent or to draw attention to any specific person or a possible mistake they have made.  My purpose is solely to educate so that as Christians we can spur one another on in love and be more intentional in the words that we choose.  James 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.”  If we are honest with ourselves, we can all think of a time when we have lied, manipulated the truth, spoke harshly, spoke with sarcasm, or hurt someone with our thoughtless words.  Therefore we should all reflect back on the gospel. We are all sinners, and Jesus (who was completely perfect) paid our penalty on the cross, so that we can be declared righteous and live for all of eternity in heaven with God!

Once we have understood that truth we can strive to love one another better.  Hebrews 10:24 says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”  I have heard this verse many times but one part I continually forget is the “consider” aspect.  Many times when we have a friend who is struggling with a problem, we don’t know how to respond.  There are many ways to “spur on” another including relating through your own life experiences, giving advice, presenting alternatives that take the focus off the actual problem, just sitting and listening to them, speaking Truth to them, and praying for them.  Regardless of any type of situation a friend is going through, we must always evaluate what is the most loving way to encourage them.

In my experience, the least helpful ways to encourage a friend struggling with infertility include trying to relate when you haven’t actually experienced infertility, giving advice, and trying to change the focus of the problem.  For example, some women who tried getting pregnant for a few months and choose to make a few lifestyle changes have been blessed with children.  With good intentions, these individuals may try to share their experience in hopes that their friend who is struggling with infertility will become pregnant after making the same changes.  Yes, changing eating habits, exercising, lowering stress levels, going to a chiropractor, and even getting acupuncture treatments can benefit the body of a woman trying to get pregnant; however, these things do not result in pregnancy any more than our good works get us into heaven.  God alone creates life and what we all need to understand is that what may have worked for one woman, God may not use to work in another.

Also, some women try to comfort her infertile friend by suggesting, “Well, you could always just adopt.”  Again, yes, this is true, but I guarantee that any woman struggling with infertility has already considered that possibility.  Adoption is a wonderful option and I strongly believe that this glorifies the Lord; however, surely you can understand how this comment seems insensitive when brought up at the wrong moment.  One of the most frustrating comments for an infertile woman to hear is, “Well, I hear that many women who adopt end up having a baby of their own.  You should just start the adoption process so you can get pregnant.”  First, this is not true, it is a MYTH!!!   In fact, since 1970 the number of parents who have become pregnant AFTER adopting has fluctuated back and forth from 3% to 10%.  Regardless, these are not significant numbers.  Furthermore, I can’t name one woman who would want to tell their child that the only reason they chose to adopt was in hopes to have a biological child.  How insignificant would that child feel?  How unloved?  No, if a family does choose to adopt, it should be for the reason that they want to love the child just as equally as they would had it been through a biological birth.  We must be wise when trying to present alternative options to our friends.  Although your intention is to take the focus off their pain, this is not the best way to encourage her.

Instead, sitting with her and listening to what she is going through means so much more.  It can become very difficult to deal with medications, invasive doctors appointments, and hormone imbalances. Another important aspect is speaking Truth to her.  By encouraging her with scripture, you can offer hope and help direct her attention to where it needs to be.  Helping her have an eternal perspective will benefit her when things don’t go as planned, when medications don’t work, or when it doesn’t seem like the finances will permit her and her husband to continue treatments.  Most importantly, pray with her!  Be specific in your prayers and follow up with any prayer requests she may have.  For me, knowing that I have friends who are willing to walk with me spiritually is so much more important than being comforted by human words and advice.   To demonstrate love to a friend struggling with infertility, evaluate her situation, think about what you are going to say before you say it, and consider what would be the best way to encourage her.

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.”  -1 Peter 3:8-22